First, select an axe that is really big and really shiny. The shine is important. Almost as important as the sharpness.
Once you have your big shiny fuckass axe, go put on some thick clothes to protect yourself from splinters. Then go talk to a goblin in the middle of gobfucking nowhere desert and ask him to put some glowing rocks you bought off ebay into your splinter deflectors. It helps, trust me i'm a doctor
next you want to wander off into the wilderness until your sense of direction is lost and you're wondering if you should have brought supplies. there are wolves howling in the distance. you begin to wonder if you should trust anything the mad king says.
This means you're finally ready
its important to pick the right tree. if you pick the wrong tree you're not going to do anything except cut down a tree. we're after something special
You'll know its the right tree because it will sparkle in response to all the glowing rocks your goblin friend sewed into your clothes. sweet deal, right? i told you to trust me on that one.
Bring your axe back with most Herculean effort, and then hit the tree. it doesn't matter where you hit it, just hit it. hit it so hard that splinters fly everywhere, but not into your delicate skin, because you came prepared motherfucker, splinter deflectors. spLINTER DEFLECTORS
then a map will probably drop out eventually, because trees are filthy map stealers and if you go dig up the treasure chest found via your filthy tree map, you might find a squirrel that is somehow alive and well after years of being buried underground that will sell on ebay for a cool 6 million or whatever
good luck, my children